It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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