dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
