The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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