3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
it's like iHOP with fire
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
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I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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