forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
