Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
there's paper in my vomit.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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