I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
