the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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