i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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