What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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