I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
