Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize