there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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