if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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