I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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