just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
