i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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