Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
