For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
