I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I cannot find my penis.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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