neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
