It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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