Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
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That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
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