woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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