A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hello my rib-scented angel!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
