I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
