Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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