Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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