clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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