Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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