i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
