the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
