I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Randomize
