Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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