I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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