I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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