I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
