Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Pooping to opera.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
