we're chasing vodka with high fives
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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