Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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