i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
