my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
