i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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