Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
