I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
