just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
