i would punch a child for taco bell
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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