why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
