I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
