I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
