as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize