We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
