It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
