mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
