Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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