y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
