just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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