He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
