Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
