More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
